Typically the definition of family is 2 parents, the kids and the pets. Extended family then gets into all the other relatives: siblings, step-parents/children/siblings, in-laws, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends who are family… and I could go on and on.
This week has taught me a lot about what it means to ME. This week I spent time with my mom to help her through her surgery. Albeit, it was outpatient, but anytime they cut on you, it’s stressful, and it’s harrowing. You go through all kinds of thoughts, what if they find more? What if they do something wrong, what if they say it’s gone too far. All kinds of thoughts like that can make you wonder. It’s human to worry about stuff like that. When she told me she was having the surgery, she didn’t have to ask me to come. I was already saying what day do I need to be there to help? The key there, though, was that she told me it was scheduled. I had a clue to what was going on in her life so I could offer help and show that I care.
This week, my in-laws are beginning a battle that cannot be turned from once it’s started. There has been a wedge in their relationship and my suspicion is that it started when my father-in-law started getting his wife involved in spending time with my nephew and then later my niece (hell we have a wedge too, but I am not sure why yet…). Granted, it’s only a suspicion but there are lots of theories that can be applied to this. Regardless of how we got here, it is what it is. I can understand when you don’t get along with some relatives, I haven’t spoken to my mother in law in almost 3 years (a few days after my dad passed). While I don’t regret that last conversation, it was a finality that cannot be undone – nor at this time, do I want it to be. I can tell you that the current situation has been brewing for about 2 years. Not sure why, but… it’s been building for and it makes things awkward for everyone involved. I am sure we have done something to piss them off and for whatever reason, I am sure it’s valid to them. I won’t try to belittle their feelings, nor pretend that I know the whole story. I don’t and to be honest, I don’t want to. I do want to say my peace on it though. These are wounds that cannot be healed and the damages are deeper than what is visible. Think about it, while a father’s heart is breaking, a son is torn and the wife is grieving, there are two kids who may never know their grandparents because of this. In the end, they are the ultimate victims, not the adults. The kids are missing out on life lessons that can only be gotten by having caring grandparents. I know, because I had caring grandparents and they helped mold who I am today. They were role models, they were historians, they were family and they taught me love other than my parents’ love, a different kind of unconditional love. There are lessons that can NEVER be gotten back when lost, once these ties are broken. Milestones will be missed on both sides of the battle zone. Christmases, celebrations, birthdays, father’s days, mother’s days, again… the list can go on forever.
I will go ahead and plug the aunts and uncles too. Again, teaching times are when the children are young. I LOVE LOVE LOVED going to my aunts’ and uncles’ to visit. I was able to play with cousins, learned more family history that my parents either didn’t know or they didn’t want me to know J. I’m not saying relatives would want to kidnap the kids or even keep them overnight, but they only wish to see them and let them know that they have other family that truly does love them and would do ANYTHING to help them in ANY situation. That’s opportunity that is lost with family battles. It’s not about choosing sides on who is right and who is wrong, quite honestly, from here on out? There is no right. I can tell you that the effort has been made by one side to try and bridge the gap. On OH SO MANY occasions there have been missed opportunities, either due to fear, loathing, insecurity, or just plain hatred, they will never present themselves again. And that is a shame, because those kids deserve to know more.
I love my dysfunctional side of the family. The Williams side was always different, but it was fun and I learned the meaning of family. I just wish my in-laws and I could help teach that now.
In order for us to be able to help teach that and help in general, though, we have to be allowed in (figuratively). Communication is KEY to anything that you do. With the doors closed (and we – Frank and I, need to work on this part ourselves – be it phone, letters, emails, etc.) that opportunity to tell someone hello, that you love them, that you miss them, that you need their help and all the things in-between. That is lost and if you shut it permanently. Just keep in mind when closing those proverbial doors, you are controlling the fate of those around you, not just your own. When those kids get older, they are going to ask questions and wonder if they have family, and if they do have them, why don’t they know about them. Let this be in writing now, it’s not because missing family members didn’t TRY to get involved. They did. They were shut out and not given the opportunity. Meeting in a restaurant once a year for Christmas just doesn’t give the same perspective as seeing them play and letting them run around and have fun. I’m just sayin…
Remember, whatever decisions you make because of clouded judgment – anger, selfishness, denial, or anything of that sort, impacts more than just yourself…
For those of you still reading… close this page down and go hug your families. I know I plan too as soon as I am home (I am writing this on a return flight from helping my mom after her surgery).
I love my kids, my hubby, my mom, my father-in-law, step-mother in law (real mother in law as far as I am concerned), my aunts, my uncles, my cousins and my best friends (those near and far). I miss you all.
Until l8r,
Kel
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