Last Wednesday was a day that made me turn back in the right direction. I finally felt almost like myself, there was no major drama going on and I was preparing for a couple of days off for a long weekend. SLA reporting was complete, my employees are all but shoo-ing me out of the door saying they have it covered, which by the way, they easily had it covered, they are awesome. J
I received an email from my manager and it was from another colleague in our group who was trying to raise money. It turns out it was for an organization that my colleague supports and volunteers in, called Touched By Suicide - http://www.touchedbysuicide.org/index.html . It turns out that her son died by suicide about 4 years ago - He was 20, so very young.
They are raising money to help fund the organization, it is small and they do not take in a whole lot of money through the year – as I understand it they are run completely from donations and fund raisers such as this. One of the many things the money raised does is supply a lending library with books to help people cope with being "touched by suicide", something I am regretfully a member of now. When I emailed her to tell her of my donation and to wish them good weather on their walk, she IM'd me and asked if she could talk to me. I had told her in my email that my father-in-law had died by suicide only a month and a half ago.
I am guessing it was just something that I needed to talk about for a while and it was good to listen to her talk about her experience with her son. She was so very nice and offered to talk to my husband and my mother-in-law if they so desired. She told me about some of the hard times she went through and how she's making it through now. She told me about how much the support group has helped her and how she continues to help others.
I do want to pause here and plug the need for awareness and for what these types of groups do. They help many others who have gone through tragedies. It doesn't have to be someone you know closely, it doesn't have to be a doctor, but please, please, please… make sure you talk to someone. Do not harbor it, it will not be something you save for a rainy day, it does not accumulate a fortune or anything like that. TALK. TO. SOMEONE. The more it is pushed aside, hidden or suppressed, the more damage it will do to you internally. Everyone goes through grief differently, that much is known as a fact. However, make sure it is not something that defines who you are. Your grief is what you experience, not who you are inside. Just make sure you talk to someone, you never know the impact that you have on others around you until you stop and look. Your emotions bleed through every action you do, whether you intend them to, or not. When it starts to affect those around you in a negative result, the outcome is never good.
I don't know why it helped, but it did because our conversation wasn't very long, but it was very meaningful and enlightening. To me, things felt a little lighter, a little brighter. Knowing that suicide touches more people around me, yet, life still goes on "somewhat" normally was a comfort and a relief.
Yes, you have a gap, ache, wound, whatever-you-want-to-call-it, that starts to heal. It never goes away but it does heal over, much like the overused analogy of a wound. At first it's gaping, bleeding and you wonder if it will stop. Then the bleeding stops, it still hurts like hell, but it is starting to heal.
I know in time it will continue to heal, mending as best as it can, to cover the wound. It will scab over, and then eventually leave a scar. But it's a scar similar to others in a closer network than I imagined. You think at some point, you are all alone and that no one will understand what you are going through. Then by some off chance, you meet someone (or learn about someone you already know) that not only has lived, survived and thrived through it, but their scenario was much worse than yours. Their wound was a deeper, more prominent cut. And it's not about comparing the size or depth of the wound. The comfort comes in knowing that it does get better. It will never be the same. It will always be "there". But the hurt will lessen, albeit slowly. It won't completely go away but you learn that you can start to do things to feel happy. You realize that the loved one that died would not want you to spend that time drowning and being consumed by your sorrow. They would want you to go on, live life to the fullest and remember them. Remember them with a smile. Yes, there will be tears. Sometimes it will be streams, sometimes just droplets. Don't deny them, but don't let it overrun what is left that is good in your life and world. There is much to be enjoyed, much to live, and much, much more to love.
Thank you LaNeila. Your words while not remembered exactly word for word, the warmth and care that overflowed from them made such a difference.
There is still drama going on around the circumstances that my family is having to work through, but I have faith, I know that whatever comes, we will work through and life's path will continue winding… as it should, day by day.
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