What a week it’s been. Yesterday was actually a good day at work. We got a lot done and make more progress this week than we have in a couple of months. It felt surreal. But… in turn, that made me not want to see my computer all day today. Scary huh?
So, needless to say, today was spend vegging out in front of the TV and the DS. I managed to get the kitchen cleaned, lunch cooked, some pork chops cooked for Sunday sometime (gotta figure out a side dish to go with it, but the meat is done). Today was pretty hard for me though, for some reason. I found myself missing my dad a lot today. I am sure some of it has to do with my mom going to see Hutch, Doc’s birthday, work stress – he was always my advisor/cheerleader for work, general stress at home and me just being bitchy to begin with.
I found myself wishing that I could ask him questions about work, the move, did I do the right thing, am I doing the right steps to take care of buying the house, selling this one, uprooting from 12 years of being implanted here… Work questions like: Should I worry about the layoffs - always worry about the layoffs, but don’t lose yourself in it; do I trust the new guy – his answer would be no and to think of the Godfather rules of business; mourning for the teammate that we lost – here my dad would tell me that yes, I can feel bad for my colleague, but to be thankful that it wasn’t me and keep going; am I doing a good job – of course you are doing a good job, he would say, you weren’t the one laid off, were you?; do I make him proud – every single moment of the day, would be his answer on this one…
The questions about my kids: Dear God was I that bad? When did 6 become the new 13? Am I doing this right? At one point I stopped and I could feel his arms around me, hugging me in that “Daddy” way, saying, “Are you kidding me??? You are doing a fantastic job! I am always proud of you.” And you know, for a moment, I thought he was there. I know deep in my heart he is though, I can feel his presence right at the right moment when it’s needed. He promised that he’d be there when I needed him. And if it wasn’t physically, he said all I would have to do, is close my eyes and think about it and he would be right there. He was right.
He was right about so many things. I hope he knew how much I appreciated that every time I went to him for advice. I know it kills my mom to talk about him sometimes, and I hate that. I love remembering the funny things about him, the love he had for us. He was always so proud of all of us. It was funny when I was growing up. I knew I had a good set of parents. I knew when the other girls would all hang around me and my dad. They loved him almost as much as I did. It was sad for me to see some of them with my Dad because they would never know what it was like to have the type of relationship with their own father. I was so blessed… I knew it even back then. Regardless of how much Mom and I clashed, we both loved each other… we just needed to figure out how to deal with each other in the right way that wouldn’t piss each other off. My dad would laugh now. Watching me with Ashleigh, it’s almost like looking back through time and watching me and my mom. God help us when she gets to be a teenager.
In the past few weeks I have been reaching out to old friends and family. I don’t know if it’s a need for familiarity as I prepare myself, and the rest of the family, for a major change. Like I am bracing myself with friends and family to hold things up while we change it around completely. Circling the wagons if you will. It makes me wonder if Dad did the same thing in preparation for the move. He did it well enough to where I didn’t know what was happening other than the movers showing up and packing us and driving off. I am learning all the back end items now and I can assure you that I won’t jump into volunteering to do it again anytime soon. This feels like hell trying to coordinate it long distance. At what point does someone explode from stress? I don’t want to know what it takes to get to that point. I already feel lost at times anyway. Much less trying to handle things I don’t know about long distance (8 hr drive). I know people do it every day and believe you me, I have become their biggest fan for even trying it, much less succeeding at it. We have about 2 more months of this then the stress of selling the house will take over where buying one left off. I don’t know about you, but I sometimes wonder what the hell I have done… I am not sorry, and I am very thankful to have the opportunity – but damn… That valium prescription would come in handy for crap like this.
Then, I stop everything and think of 2 people. A classmate of mine who is going through getting a second opinon for her metasisizing breast cancer that has spread to her lungs and my brother who is awaiting a heart transplant… they haven’t given up, and I am MORE than sure they have their low moments. They wouldn’t be human if they didn’t. Then, I pull myself up by the bootstraps as my husband says it, and continue forward. I don’t know how to give up. I am too effing stubborn. So with that, I will keep going on, thank you for listening to my whining and know that this won’t be the last time that I do (it’s the only vent session I take these days – I would hate for people to view me as ungrateful, I am not, but at some point you have to blow off steam or it will kill you….
Until l8r,
Kel
No comments:
Post a Comment