Self Doubt = Bad

This makes me smile:

My daughter exploring the water on her own, enjoying what life has to offer.

I'm in love.

I love being a mom.  That's something I never thought (nor any of my family or friends who knew me early on) I would say.

It's a part of me now, like it or not, which, like I said before, I love it.

It means having patience (I have none at times, but believe it or not you do gain some as a parent).

It means loving unconditionally - you'd never know that there was any other way afterwards.

This also makes me smile:

He's another part of my heart.  He makes me smile when I don't want to.  He makes me cry when I don't want to as well.  He reminds me of my dad.  Sometimes the boy just ain't right (in a good way.  It's always for a laugh).

Again, another reason to love being a mom.

Today though, I felt one of the worst things you can feel as a parent.  It is not as bad as the loss of a loved one or the pain you feel when you can't make the hurt go away, but it ranks right up there.  Today, I felt self doubt as a parent.  Those of you who know me, you know I lean on my common sense... A LOT... when it comes to being a parent of my two wild ones.

There's a long story here, but I'll type the short one.  Basically, due to the daycare's "concern" over Alex's aggressive behavior a few months ago (justifiable I might add), the offered to bring in someone to evaluate Alex and his behavior for any thoughts for underlying conditions.  OK, knowing Alex, you know he's not autistic so there really wasn't much concern.  And, if there is something that needs to be addressed, Frank and I agree that we will do what ever it takes to help Alex.  It's that simple.  No big deal right?  Well, long story short, they FINALLY did the evaluation and called last week.  They (the county school system) has a concern that Alex needs to hurry up and get into the special ed program because they feel he has some sort of social/emotional developmental delay.  OK, I'm stunned by this point and set into panic mode.  WTH does that mean?  Are you saying he has Autism???  "Well, no Mrs. Haithcock, we can't say that, we need to evaluate him more and we don't want to lose any time on this.  We need to get him into the system now..."  OK, I start researching Autism, nothing fits.  Then I read up on Asperger's Syndrome.  OK, he has some things that fit there.   Again - no one has diagnosed him this is how dangerous the internet is.  I start reading more and realize that they mention milk allergies, tied into behavior issues... HMMM... Alex has a metabolic disorder for milk that would almost equate to a milk allergy... OK.

Start reading on the relationship between Aspergers and Duarte's Galactosemia (his metabolic disorder)... hmmm... OK, I get it... he probably shouldn't be drinking a whole lot of milk anyway, so to avoid major issues, we went ahead and switched to almond milk (vanilla flavored) - HE LOVES IT.

We made the appointment with the pediatrician to get the school forms filled out and needless to say, the county system and the local doctors may not see eye to eye on occasion.  This is probably one of those occasions but the doctor wouldn't actually come out and say that he didn't see a problem.  He advised us and I think (so did Frank) that it would be best to seek out a REAL professional's opinion and have him seen by a child psychologist.  I completely agree with this, because I am, quite honestly, tired of second guessing myself and every little behavior "quirk" that Alex shows.  He's four for God's sake. My instincts tell me that while Alex may need some speech therapy or something, there's nothing that majorly wrong with him.  It made me feel REALLY REALLY good to get 3 different nurses in the dr's office that told me that I (and Frank) do a FANTASTIC job with my kids.  I am pissed off because of the panic I set myself off into and it's no one's fault but my own.  I didn't call that lady back with more questions to hound her into what she thought was wrong and I didn't tell her she was full of crap.  I can, however, correct the situation by taking it back into our hands, seeing a professional and getting the REAL story.

I love my kids, more and more with each breath I take.  It's unconditional and other than the love of my husband, my mom and my in-laws, there is no other feeling I want to have in my life... EVER.