There is so much going on in this Gemini head of mine that I can't figure out which little personality to listen to, half the time anymore.
I have had the good news/bad news thing going on this week. The last one just really took the wind out of any sails that I had up and billowed. The good news, my mom finally talked to my brother (for those of you keeping track, yes, technically I am an only child, however this one guy whom I am lucky to call my brother came to us by way of my dad taking him in. He had just finished high school and was working at the Bailey's plant in Hopkinsville KY. My dad was transferred, yet again, to Seabrook NH and offered for Hutch to come live with us and work at the Bailey's plant there. 3 states and 10 years later, we left him in TN to carry on with his life. We kept in touch for the most part, until we moved to Georgia. Then it was sporadic, but never enough to keep from calling him my brother. He lived with us and when my parents worked, the night shift, he would take care of me. He took me to my first concert, chased off my first boyfriend, coached my softball teams, tortured me with Friday night wrestling moves - while waiting on the pizza that he always had me order, but he paid for. He was basically the big brother I never had. Yeah, we had our fights, we really thought we were brother and sister and I always felt that his real siblings didn't know what they were missing out on.).
So anyway, Mom talked to him for the first time in almost 2 years. I talked to his wife when Dad passed and for some crazy, idiotic bitchy reason, she decided to talk to me rather than letting him talk to me. Who was I to know at the time that she would never pass on the phone numbers or tell him that he could call us? Our numbers are unlisted so he never was able to find us. Then, on some whim, Mom had to talk to him. So, I found my niece on facebook (what a beautiful woman she turned out to be - I cannot believe that she is almost 20! (from his first wife)). Autumn was kind enough to send Mom his number and they talked.
Now for the bad news. He has cardiomyopathy and is on a transplant list. I am so overwhelmed with guilt, anger, and sadness because we were never told. I could have seen him when I was in Jackson in July. Now, because of work and everything else, it feels like I may never get there. At some point I am going to have to make the drive because if I don't I'm going to go crazy. My kids are terrible on long car rides so I am not sure I'd be able to get them to go with me or not.
Anyway, upon hearing that Friday, I've been in and out of a stupor of the "OMG thinking" and trying to move past it. I did well on Saturday, it was a normal and relaxing day. For some reason today though, it didn't escape.
I have another friend/babysitter who is sick. She was in the hospital last week (actually went in a few days prior because of the pain she was having) to remove tumors from her kidneys. She's battled breast cancer, now she has spots on her lungs and tumors in the kidneys, thus the surgery. But she also has congestive heart failure to complicate things. My thoughts and prayers are going out to her. God knows she deserves some of the relief.
I hate to be pessimistic, and usually I am not. I am upbeat for the most part. But at some point you have to wonder, with all of this happening around me, is it a message I am missing? Are there more bad things just on the horizon that I am not seeing the signs for? I am the most lucky woman in the world - I have great parents, 1 still here, 1 watching over me and my family, I have a fantastic husband, 2 beautiful children and many many people that I call friends (Jen, Brandy, Ben, Suzanne - just to name a few). I know God has a plan, I don't go to church and I really can't claim an denomination, but I know He exists and I know that I am blessed by him. At some point though, it seems like I am enjoying way too much of my blessings while those around me that I care about are suffering. It makes me wonder, am I the odd one out? Or, is there something waiting to slam me just around the corner? I would be stupid to think that bad things won't happen to me, they will. I have no doubt, you cant have appreciation, happiness or any of the good things without the bad ones to show you that you have to enjoy the good while it's there.
Life is a huge roller coaster and it does have it's ups and downs. There's no denying it. For some the distributions of the hills in the ride are a bit off, but... still it's there. Life is about making the right choices and living with the consequences, good or bad. I get that part too. Destiny, but one that is shown to you through choices you make. I hope that Hutch is on that great road to destiny and I am praying for him to get a donor. But in light of things, I know they are hard to match, I will hope for the best, though. The world will be less without him for me, my mom, but especially for those girls who need him. If this ever gets back to him, I want him to know that I love him as I always have and wish him healing. If no healing then I wish him peace and freedom from pain.
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