I was talking to an old friend tonight (old as in knew when I was younger, not that he and I are old) and on some levels, it seemed like he and I had been talking throughout the years. He's always been sweet to me and was a VERY good friend in high school. In recent days, he has helped me and for that I will be grateful.
He's asked me to do something that I was hedging on for a little while but I think I am going to do it. Our 20 year high school reunion is in July. For those of you who know me now, would not think that I am that self conscious about how I look. I'll go out with friends and have a good time and not worry about a whole lot, but going back 20 years, that's a little different. They knew me in my "prime" and I hadn't put on all of the weight that I have. I am taking small steps to take care of it, but I know I'll not be even close to what I was before (what I wouldn't give to weigh 160 again), but let's be real shall we? in less than 6 months I can lose some of the weight, but not enough to lose my fear of being stared at, laughed at, talked about afterwards... I think that's the one that scares me the most. Most of them would never say anything to me directly, but it would be a topic of conversation. "Wow! Did you see Kelly, my God did she gain weight or what?" Now I know a few of you are saying, "So what, the people that would say that were never your friends to begin with." I know you speak the truth and I know in my head that you are right. But somehow, those thoughts are still there. It's a prejudice that while I accept it because of how I look, still is wrong and makes people feel even worse than they did before the stares started. The good thing about it is that I know I still have my personality and my happiness. I still flash the smile that everyone loved and I still have my hearty laugh. I have my wonderful husband who loves me for me and 2 beautiful children that love me unconditionally.
There is no doubt that I am happy in my life. I would never change anything for it has made me what I am today. but, I do know quite well, from previous experience as a kid that people can be cruel.
In yesterday's blog, I wrote that I didn't know what triggered my stress to eat. I think I have touched on it... it's fear. I appear fearless to many, but deep down, I am afraid. I do care what people think. I have always been taught to be the people pleaser and try to keep everyone around me happy. For the most part I have succeeded and I've been mostly happy all my life. It's always been my experience with my loved ones around me, that if they are happy, then I am usually happy too. So why the self consciousness? Who knows. Maybe it's the realization that everyone regardless of what they say they think on some level is judgemental... those that are not judgemental to others are usually the hardest on themselves... hmmm... revelation? I'll have to ponder this some more.
The thing about many of my friends is that I have always felt more comfortable being friends with guys than girls. I am not sure if it's the tomboy in me or what, but in talking to my old friend today, I realize that I do indeed miss him and several others that I talked to in high school. I also had the fortune of talking to a friend from work today (yes a guy) and he helped me through a rough afternoon. We talked of music and geekdom and things that we believed in for work, just normal chit-chat. It's funny... I can talk to guys easier without feeling that pang of self consciousness and it's pretty cool. I have very few "girl friends" I am getting better though. I have several that I have reconnected with in FB and it has helped me. Maybe I am growing while I am losing the weight. We'll see. One day I'll find that medium ground and be happy with all I am not just pieces of it. Just to recap, happy about the following: family, making new friends, happy life overall... Not happy - self perception is low... gotta work on it some how...
Things to work on this year.
have a great night... until l8r...
Kel
I too seem to relate better with guys than gals. Women are notorious at tearing each other apart while men seem to look past the material aspects and see a real person (if they are not trying to get in your pants)-anyway as far as the weight gain-at our age we all gain weight and the mature ones of us learn to see past a persons looks and into their mind. You said it yourself Kelly you have a wonderful personality people are wanting to see you not "you." Dont be so hard on yourself-You are a great person. Besides I am coming and I aint even invited so they can talk about me.
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