4/13/15 - It is finally all quiet, the kids are in bed, Frank is at his church group and I am sitting here without anything to work on and I am not gaming.
I have a lot of things to say over the past few months that have gone by and sadly enough, not much of it can be published for fear of offending someone.
You see, over the past few months, while I have been honest with myself on a lot of things, I've not said a few things that came to mind because I am trying to take the higher road and be a kind, decent person. Frank, Jen and Kelley get to hear the not-so-nice things and they still love me for it anyway. There are a few others who get to hear it, but if I name them then it gets them or me into trouble.
I am finally, after almost a month of leaving my old company, able to breathe a sigh of relief. Not because it was "that" bad (it wasn't) but because it was a huge change. I loved the work that I did and I still love many of the people that are still there. They know who they are because they stay in touch with me, either by text, facebook or actual phone calls/meetings.
4/27/15 - I had this post started 2 weeks ago and something pulled me away from it, which meant that it still wasn't ready for me to type it out. I have deleted some of it because it still sounded bitter/angry/upset and that was not the purpose of the post. I am more at peace now than I have ever been in my life and now I think I can express it.
Over eight months have come and gone since tragedy hit our family. There have been many changes, adjustments, temper tantrums, happy tears, sad tears and everything else in between. It's called life. (and no, not life, electric word that means for ever, and that's a mighty long time…) I mean LIFE – life moving on, paying bills, learning to find a new routine, adjusting to changes (and boy howdy, a lot of those). It's amazing to see how much change has happened since that day and sit back in awe. Not just for the healing that is progressing, but just to watch how God works. To step back and realize that He was there every step of the way, and not just for me and my family, but for many, many families. In the face of tragedy there are good, positive things that can happen as a result. There are many who do not recover easily, if at all, then there are those that after a certain time – it is not predetermined, it is not on a schedule, it just clicks and one day it's realized that it happened. Life goes on. My Dad, bless him, pounded that thought into my head every change he was able to and I am so thankful. I CANNOT express to you in words how BADLY I have missed him over these last months. I know somewhere he's watching over me, guiding me, I can even hear his voice in my head if I try hard enough. In every major decision I have ever made, it's been with the idea of "what did Dad teach me?" I am forever grateful to him for all of those life lessons (and yes, even the lectures). They have moved me through a major change in my life in changing jobs and feeling so insecure, off-balance and inadequate. Every time I have those thoughts, one (or more) of several things happen: I find an answer to what I was stuck on, someone offers to help me find the answer, or as hard as it may seem, I ask for help. That third one has always been an issue for me.
What changed, you ask? Other than jobs. Well, I listened to the yearning I had and started going back to church late last year. That was probably a miracle on its own because I hadn't stepped foot in a church in over 20 years. I wasn't mad at God before you start thinking I was. I believed in God then as much as I do now. I just didn't like the formats that I had been to – and I say that because I think that being a Christian is the religion, not the different brands. And there really is no one to tell me what is right or wrong other than what I believe in my heart. My relationship with God is just that, a relationship with Him. Now, the church I attend, Real Life – Mount Dora, feels like home. I look forward to being there, to hearing the message that one of the pastors will go over and they teach from the Bible. They teach me things about the Bible that I've not heard before or if I did, it was in Latin and I didn't understand it. I'm not saying this to be "preachy" to anyone, it's not up to me on what your opinion is. In the end, it's not my place to pass judgement on anyone's beliefs. It never has been and all of my friends can attest to it. I am friends with people from all religions, beliefs and even non-believers. My friends respect me enough to honor my decision as I honor theirs. Now, do I talk to some people about the beliefs I have or things I have learned? Yes, I do! I have enjoyed my conversations with a friend of mine at my old company about the things that are happening and the lessons I have learned (either the hard way or through listening to our awesome pastors). I do want to say though, regardless of your beliefs, I cannot deny all the things that have shifted and progressed into place for me and my family since we have gone back to church.
I've been blessed with a new job, I've relaxed more, I'm enjoying my family and friends more, have met new friends, strengthened my friendship with friends I've had for years, watched my children learn by example for volunteering and helping others. Several people I know would say it was coincidence, but for everything to fall in to place as it has (exactly as I wished for), I just will not deny that God is the reason. I pray each and every day, but not to receive. I pray for others to receive, for others to ask for help, and for God to keep watch over those that need it and to teach those that need it as well. I am one of the ones that needs to be taught and I am learning each and every day. Prayer works. I had a friend of mine from high school who will tell you the same. Prayer does indeed work. She received a new heart right at a month ago and was released to go home today. I've been praying for her and her family to continue and she has vowed to spread the word of her healing as it continues. Another friend of mine is struggling through college. It's tough, but she's oh so successful even with the challenges and she's doing what it takes to work through the challenges and continue on. It's so inspirational.
For me, my new job was exactly what I prayed for. After 5 months of struggling with my job I prayed that I would find a job that would allow me to do something I love, with less stress, allow me more time with my family and keep the same salary that I had. Several days later, I received an email that had the details of the work I like to do, promises of less overtime, more support from management, etc. I ALMOST deleted the email thinking it was spam. I had asked friends on the same network if they knew the person that had emailed me and none of them knew. Before hitting the delete button, I decided to reply back to him and call him on what I thought was a bluff. 3 interviews later, I turned in my notice to a company I had worked for 19 years and 9 months. I just "couldn't" hang on for those 3 months. My husband's reply when I asked him if I should take it? "What does 20 years get you other than an extra week of vacation you cannot use?" (He had a very good point.)
It sounds all cheery and rosey, but it's not. I have my struggles. Leaving 20 years of history alone was very hard to do. Leaving it to go to a job that I am not an expert in? Even harder. I struggle on an almost daily basis with what some people would think is easy in my industry. But, much like my friend in college? I am not giving up. In fact, with each hurdle I get over, I've learned something new, and proud of myself for doing so. Each step I take, it gets better. I've been there just over a month, and I'm doing pretty good. I haven't gotten fired, I've actually been able to finish 2 assignments and she's still working to give me more. All good signs if you ask me.
Do I have my days where I feel like I am low again, yeah, I do. There are times where I feel really alone because I don't have that built in safety net of friends close by, but I think my lesson here is that while those friends are blessings beyond measure, I can stand on my own. Something that everyone has been telling me for years. I'm just learning to accept it and learning how to improve it and become, yet again, a leader of my group by setting the examples, not being a manager of tasks. At least that's my long term goal. Right now, I'm learning to enjoy the newness of it all and spending time with my kids and hubby while I can and they still think it's cool to have Mom around, because I know, it won't last long and then it will be their time to learn to stand on their own as well.
Long story short, I love being a child of God, I love my church, I love my family and I sooooo am in love with being happy again. I pray that everyone I know, finds this feeling, the peace and starts to share it forward… :)
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