Too much damn drama

It's been a long time since I have written, and I will admit there really isn't much to write about.

Oh sure, I've actually been busy at work, with the kids at school, Mother's Day and all of that. That's not the problem. The problem is writing something that doesn't offend anyone or imply something to someone even though it wouldn't be meant for them. (Misunderstandings in writing/print are often the hardest to overcome.)
There's been crappy days at work, great days at work, crappy days at home, great days at home. Worry, stress, elation, pride (in my children's successes), shock, fear, the whole gamut of emotions. The part that really makes me angry though is that I haven't written about them because of "potential misunderstandings or anger" from someone that may read it. And I'll admit it, I am cowardly when it comes to that because that's not normally how I am. Normally, I don't give a rat's ass who hears what I have to say because their reaction is not my problem… normally.

It's pretty sad really. I've seen, first-hand, over the last couple of months, what happens when there are misunderstandings that cannot be overcome. If it's my blog and just a place for me to vent, then why am I such a coward? (I can hear you asking…)

Basically, because the drama is not worth it. It's like with Facebook. Someone can post something that doesn't have a damn thing to do with another person and that person will jump to the worst conclusion, when the author wasn't even aware that they even read their posts. It makes you wonder how stressful the social media will be when my daughter starts "those" years in school where image is supposedly everything and the cyber bullying that happens. I will admit, I am afraid of that and I am waiting until THE VERY LAST MOMENT before allowing her into social media. Hubby tells me that 30 years old for her is not an acceptable answer… I'm still holding my ground.

So anyway, I'm trying to overcome it and realize exactly what I typed. Their reaction is not my responsibility. If you are reading this and you get mad, make sure that it's about you before you do, and also make sure that the anger is warranted.

I've been a bit in a depressive mood lately and I know my old manager would tell me that I need to get to the beach and I need to let some of my creativity out. I can tell you though, I don't have the inspiration for it and I think part of it is that I have learned to NOT sit at the PC for hours on end. With as stressful as work has been, I'm happy not to see my PC for most of the weekends these days. Which also explains why I feel so far behind on some of the items I need to work on. I miss my dedication to the job. I hate the fact that I have let someone else's thinking influence something I used to enjoy. Sadly enough, yes, I enjoy my work for the most part. I hate the fact that someone has caused me to second guess myself. Something in my group has changed and it doesn't feel as comfortable as it did. It was never easy so don't read into it that I was too complacent. I enjoy the challenges. I just hate the politics and having to explain myself on multiple levels. I hate feeling guilty for things that I know I have done that is right because it affects someone else in a negative aspect. I prefer the positive side of things and I think that's where my depression is. I don't feel the positivity that I used to have and I need to get it back. I have a vision for what I want in the future for my group and WHEN (not if) we pull it off, my team will be so much better for it. The day to day struggles makes it hard to push through though. I spend so much time digging into the details and the little things, that the bigger things are harder to realize and bring forward. It feels like every time I try to step back and delegate like I am supposed to – there is one thing or another or 12 that pulls me back into it. And it's not a single person that is the cause, most of the time, it is life itself. Many of them have been out of the control of others or myself.

There are one or two things that have been talked about recently, but overall, it's just life in general. I know that I am not in "control" of what happens. I know that it's foolish to try. I have been taught well to include contingency in my planning and I try. But really, you cannot plan to lose a resource quicker than expected. You cannot plan for the life challenges (either mine or my resources). I get that. Oh, boy, do I ever get that one. I mean really, I have 2 kids and if anything was a lesson for me when they were born, it's the fact that planning can be done, but it never works out and it's never on YOUR schedule. You HAVE to be flexible. You have to make accommodations, but in turn, those involved need to do so as well. They have to realize, however big or small that they may feel, those feelings and attitudes roll through the entire group. This includes me. I know I haven't been my best lately and I am working to get back to that. I'm even going to see one of my resources in Jacksonville next week that I haven't seen in 8 months or so. I am going to see one of my favorite authors give a speech. I'm involved in launching his new book. I am volunteering to help plan and try to push positivity throughout work where needed. I am taking necessary steps to start back in the right direction. Sure, I will meet resistance. There's always a few that poo poo on the idea of trying to make work a happy place to be. Then there are those that are just so miserable in life, that it overflows to work. Their problem is not my own and I cannot fix what they do not want to or what they cannot see. I am trying to figure out when I am finally going to remember that.

In writing this, I see that my problem has been my outlook and allowing others to impact me. Maybe I need a tattoo that tells me to remember it. Maybe something like this (posted by my friend Lynn):

If only I wasn't afraid of high powered needles…