Apprehension?

Yep, that's an appropriate title. I've been doing things tonight to get ready for our trip to TN next week. It's full of excitement for seeing friends I haven't seen in 20 years, but in the same sense, it is full of apprehension based upon old feelings that were thought to be buried in the past. When my dad came home one day in 1991 and said that he had gotten notice that it was time to move again, I was elated. Granted, Bolivar/Grand Valley had been home for 5 years, but if you ask me it was a little too long. All of my friends from school had moved on to college or their own lives (service in the military, married to people that had to move etc.). I was ready to start a new life. We were dealing with my grandfather's terminal illness, not something I talk about much in detail. Harmon was slowing down on production so my dad's job wasn't that secure any longer, there were worries of money everywhere (little did I know then that was a major part of life – silly me…). Basically it was time to go.

When you move around as much as we did, you learn to put things into the past and leave them there. Normally, I never look back and I attempt to keep in touch with some people when I leave places, but then, life happens, you pick up the pieces, put them together for new things and start to let go. I did that and I was good at it. I "adjusted to change" better than most people do just because of the experience. The only thing is, you miss out on some things. Your friends and their happy events in their lives (college graduations, marriage, kids) and the times where you, as a friend should have been there to support them in their hard times (losing loved ones, going through a divorce, illness, etc.). When you close the door on stuff like that, you almost feel like your invading when the time comes back around and you start talking again. Something I have not done a lot of so I don't have experience on my side to help me fit back into where I once was… just into the new things. (yes, I know I am rambling here…) The thoughts of, "If I were such a good friend back then, why didn't I take the time or make the effort to stay in touch?", "How can it be any of my business to help or care about someone I left hanging in the past?" Yes, I know I am neurotic too.

Now I am faced with the fact that I am going to be facing these folks with not only 20 years past, but with no expectations of who they have turned into and them not knowing me or who I have turned into. We've all matured. We've all aged. We've all faced many difficulties and blessings in our lives. One of my friends blogged earlier that they were nervous about speaking in front of all of these people, and in support of him – yes even after 20 years, I know he will do just fine. He always was good at speaking and making people feel comfortable around him.

I think part of my worries is that, I am going to ask the wrong question about someone who is no longer with us and cause some kind of emotion. Part of being disconnected, you don't know who is here and who is not and then feeling stupid for not knowing… my fault or not. There are people I am concerned with and would love to know how they are doing, but they are in lower or upper classes and not in this little shin-dig, plus if I ask, I don't want to make someone pissed off at me or have them think I am trying to start some kind of trouble. I am truly concerned about some of them, but it's hard to ask when you have been gone for so long.

I have people who have talked to me through facebook that I barely knew in high school and now I wish I did know. There is also that part of me that for some stupid reason would like to know what they thought of me in high school. Hopefully most of it is good, but hey, I know I am human and there are always those, that no matter how nice you were or not, they didn't like you. (Damn childhood prejudices.)

My cousin is another example of what to worry about. I haven't heard from her since my father passed almost 2 years ago. She was my BEST girlfriend in my senior year. She knew everything about me (not that I wasn't an open book back then and no, I haven't gotten much better about wearing my emotions on my sleeve), the heartaches, anger, stressed out moments, happiest moments etc etc. She went into the Navy and that was pretty much where we started to lose touch. She lived near my parents for a little while back in the '90's and we kept in touch, especially when my aunt (her mom) and our uncle (my dad's brother) passed away, but then the wedge really set in. I miss her. I hope she's doing well and that things have improved for her. Our family on that side is a Springer movie just waiting to happen. (for instance, her sister divorced her husband only to marry her sister's ex-husband – she's the stepmother to her niece – see what I mean???)

Anyway… the point being so many things have happened to change people's views on life and others, but when you are back around your high school bunch, do you feel like you did in high school all over again? Self conscious, wondering if people are talking to you or did they really grow up and realize that much of what we judged each other on during that time was petty and stupid? I guess we'll find out next weekend…

Until later…

Kel